2025/26 November 14th Round 8:
West Malling Golf Club - The Hurricane - The Captain's Trophy
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West Malling Golf Club 01732 844785
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Captain's Match Report
☔ The Battle of the Bog: Armistice Cup Report – West Malling 🏆
For the first time since that glorious, sun-drenched outing at Broome Park in April, the celestial Sunshine Gods declared a strike. The skies wept, the ground turned against us, and the "wet weather" gear was peeled from its dusty, moth-balled grave for its grim, theatrical season debut. It wasn't just rain; it was a moist, relentless, soul-crushing atmosphere.
Operation: Bacon & Caffeine
The day began, as any military campaign should, with intensive refuelling. We were presented with really delicious bacon rolls — a final, glorious taste of happiness — and enough coffee to chemically counteract the impending doom. This was not just a breakfast; it was a mandatory preload of grease and jitters, designed to trick our bodies into accepting the horrors ahead.
Then came the Great Rejig. Late withdrawals meant nine groups became eight. My crack squad consisted of myself, the ever-optimistic Paul Smith, the perpetually bewildered Adrian Harvanko, and the man who secretly loves the mud, Kevin Jacobs. The course, fearing its own transformation into a reenactment of The Somme, banned buggies. Consequently, the golf was played on foot, and the banter was delivered through gritted teeth—but remained, miraculously, "relatively upbeat." (Translation: we only seriously considered quitting on the 5th, 10th, and 14th holes.)
The Post-Mortem
Stumbling back to the Clubhouse, looking less like golfers and more like drowned peat bog creatures, the first order of business was The Great Change. I spent ten agonising minutes negotiating with my own calves, attempting to convince them not to go into full-scale, debilitating cramp spasms. It was a close call, but the prospect of sustenance won.
And what sustenance it was! We were treated to the spiritual home of British comfort food: a rolling monument to simple joy—Ham, Egg, and Chips. To silence any potential complainers, the organisers even threw in bread and butter at no extra charge! A true act of reckless generosity in these lean times.
A massive congratulations to all the Division and Nearest The Pin Winners! And, of course, a salute to the overall champion who somehow managed to keep a ball dry enough to lift the Armistice Cup (details of their suspiciously dry trousers can be found below).
The Accidental B&B
Finally, a special, heartfelt, and utterly fattening thanks must go to Owen Callaghan. Owen, you opened your home to me for three nights, offering hospitality that truly is second to none. I am truly grateful for your generosity, even if I now require a winch to get out of my golf trousers, having clearly gained a few "Callaghan Hospitality Pounds" in the process. I attribute my comfort to the ambient conditions and the minimal physical effort required during my stay.
🔔 The Next Campaign: Christmas Cup Warning 🔔
Overall, despite Mother Nature's relentless attempts to dampen our spirits, I genuinely hope you all had a truly great day.
I look forward to seeing every single one of you (provided you’ve dried out completely) at Kingshill on Friday, 5th December, for the much-anticipated Christmas Cup.
Please be reminded: I have it on excellent authority that mild, alcoholic beverages (which are apparently anything but mild by the 9th hole) will no doubt make a conspicuous appearance during the round. Therefore, to save the grass verges and maintain the integrity of our collective licenses, lifts or indeed a fleet of taxis may be the sensible order of the day.
Kindest regards to you all,
Mike Fairbrass - Captain
Results
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| Pos. | Player | Starting H/C Index |
Course H/C |
Starting Div. |
Front 9 | Back 9 | Total | Finishing H/C Index |
Finishing Div. |
Champions Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Paul Smith | 15.8 | 15.8 | 1 | 20 | 16 | 36 | 15.3 | 1 | 16 |
| 2 | Mike Kingsman | 12.2 | 12.0 | 1 | 18 | 17 | 35 | 11.8 | 1 | 14 |
| 3 | Dave Williams | 13.6 | 13.4 | 1 | 21 | 14 | 35 | 13.2 | 1 | 13 |
| 4 | Paul Turner | 8.6 | 8.1 | 1 | 15 | 18 | 33 | 8.4 | 1 | 12 |
| 5 | Jamie Henley | 22.4 | 22.8 | 2 | 18 | 15 | 33 | 22 | 2 | 12 |
| 6 | Gary Monks | 31.0 | 31.9 | 3 | 19 | 14 | 33 | 30.4 | 3 | 11 |
| 7 | Adrian Harvanko | 17.9 | 18.0 | 1 | 12 | 20 | 32 | 17.8 | 1 | 9 |
| 8 | Andy Webb | 11.5 | 11.2 | 1 | 14 | 18 | 32 | 11.4 | 1 | 8 |
| 9 | Owen Callaghan | 17.4 | 17.5 | 1 | 16 | 16 | 32 | 17.3 | 1 | 7 |
| 10 | Derek Reed | 11.5 | 11.2 | 1 | 15 | 16 | 31 | 11.5 | 1 | 6 |
| 11 | Barry Smith | 23.7 | 24.2 | 2 | 17 | 13 | 30 | 23.7 | 2 | 5 |
| 12 | Paul Keenor | 15.9 | 15.9 | 1 | 19 | 11 | 30 | 15.9 | 1 | 4 |
| 13 | Enrico Charles | 17.4 | 17.5 | 1 | 15 | 14 | 29 | 17.4 | 1 | 3 |
| 14 | Sean Downs | 13.8 | 13.7 | 1 | 15 | 14 | 29 | 13.8 | 1 | 2 |
| 15 | Mike Fairbrass | 13.4 | 13.2 | 1 | 16 | 13 | 29 | 13.4 | 1 | 1 |
| 16 | Nick Allcott | 21.5 | 21.8 | 2 | 17 | 11 | 28 | 21.5 | 2 | 0 |
| 17 | Adrian Reeman | 27.5 | 28.2 | 3 | 17 | 10 | 27 | 27.5 | 3 | 0 |
| 18 | Trevor Woods | 19.6 | 19.8 | 2 | 14 | 12 | 26 | 19.8 | 2 | 0 |
| 19 | Tony Jacobs | 24.3 | 24.8 | 2 | 15 | 11 | 26 | 24.5 | 3 | 0 |
| 20 | Tony Norris | 8.8 | 8.3 | 1 | 11 | 14 | 25 | 9.2 | 1 | 0 |
| 21 | Paul Damper | 16.8 | 16.8 | 1 | 11 | 14 | 25 | 17.2 | 1 | 0 |
| 22 | Mark Parsons | 26.9 | 27.6 | 3 | 12 | 13 | 25 | 27.3 | 3 | 0 |
| 23 | Tim Grimes | 23.4 | 23.8 | 2 | 14 | 11 | 25 | 23.8 | 2 | 0 |
| 24 | Peter Tweddell | 19.1 | 19.3 | 2 | 10 | 14 | 24 | 19.7 | 2 | 0 |
| 25 | Stirling Campbell | 31.4 | 32.3 | 3 | 14 | 10 | 24 | 32 | 3 | 0 |
| 26 | Kevin Jacobs | 36.9 | 38.2 | 3 | 13 | 8 | 21 | 37.9 | 3 | 0 |